WHY?
by Jonathan Kraft

Why?
Why cant I just share my heart
without it being hurt?
Why cant I have a moment of solitude,
a moment to simply shine, cry, be happy
without being interrupted?
Why is it that just as I begin
to feel some sense of direction and purpose,
I get turned around and left to stare
out into the lost abyss,
the abyss of lost paths,
with agonized voices crying out;
I could have...
I wanted to...
If I were only...

I dont want to be in this abyss.
I want to face opposite of this
my face towards the brightness
the brightness of the hopeful future
the greatness begging me forward, voices calling;
I am
I will
Look at me!
And with my back towards the abyss,
I want to begin to step forward
leaving it behind
One foot in front of the other.

But every time I begin even to look
in the general direction of the future,
the things of my life turn me back
to face the darkness of the lost paths.
And instead of walking towards the brightness,
I walk with my back to it.
And instead of leaving the darkness behind,
I bring it with me.
And because it is so easy,
it is vast, and powerful
and it pushes the bright future
further and further away
so that not only does the brightness seem unreachable,
but also so that the voices begin to fade
and become very nearly inaudible.

Why wont you let me just share my heart?
I have not hurt you
I have not threatened you
but my heart is again hurt
My soul again feels torn,
this time because of you.

This time was supposed to be different
Things were going along so well
I thought that you valued the heart I have shared.
Now do you see why I am facing the abyss?

Where do I direct my anger?
At you? 
That would be stupid and pathetic.
You already know what is going on inside of me
and directing it at you would only cause you to feel
more regret and hurt.

Where else has my anger to go?
It is like a fire--dont put it out and it will burn--
It will burn things which I want to keep.
So my anger must come back to me
anger for trusting, anger for sharing,
Anger for trying again.